Full Shrimpy Alchemist
by Shadray
Summary: ‘‘Edward, Alphonse: Your assigned mission is—to go on a date with…Sheska.’’ —Colonel Mustang


Author's note- Hey! It's my first FMA fic, and it's not exactly a serious one… but I hope you all enjoy this one-shot. (grins) It was just something I thought up at random, and decided I might as well write a fic on it. (grins broader) Please enjoy.

->->-

_Full Shrimpy Alchemist  
__Chapter One _

"So, Full Metal—you've finally showed up." Roy Mustang didn't bother looking up from his towering stack of paperwork when he greeted the youngest State Alchemist before him. "Have a seat," he added, gesturing to the chair positioned on the opposite side of his desk.

Edward Elric nodded, attempting to avert his gaze from the stack of papers on Mustang's desk. Narrowing his eyes, the first thing he noticed when he walked into the room was that the stack was considerably taller than he; and the young man had to desperately fight the urge to knock the papers onto the floor, where they would be considerably _shorter_ than he.

Still, he managed to reply, "Evening, Colonel," in a relatively polite manner. He turned to the female standing beside the Flame Alchemist. "Hawkeye." She smiled at him and returned the greeting.

Mustang suddenly looked up from his paperwork, furrowing a brow. "Where's Alphonse? I thought I called for the both of you to come?"

"Uh, he—"

"I'm here!" a voice rang out, and in seconds, a bulky suit of armor clanged and clinked its way into the office.

Edward narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why'd ya call us here, Colonel?"

The dark-haired Alchemist before him smirked. "I have a mission for you two."

"…a _mission? _You mean you made us come all this way just to get your groceries?!" Edward shouted incredulously. "Do you have the authority to do that?!"

"Brother _is_ a State Alchemist, you know," Alphonse stated reasonably. "And _I'm_ not even _part_ of the military!"

Edward frowned_. This guy's got some nerve._ "I think something's wrong with this picture, Colonel."

"Don't get him wrong; normally he wouldn't do this," Hawkeye said, stepping forward and backing the Flame Alchemist up, "but lately there's been a bit of a problem here, and the others are busy doing other work for the military."

Mustang nodded. "So, it's not as much of a mission as it is…a favor." He leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his black hair. "So, you two can decide if you wish to partake."

The Elric brothers exchanged glances.

"Right," Mustang continued. "Well, lately it seems someone's been breaking into our library and reading officially restricted military documents. They've been acquiring information they shouldn't have, and—"

Ed smiled, understanding the favor. "Oh, I get it: _You _want _us_ to help you find the culprit, right?" In his mind, however, he was already rejecting; he didn't have time for such petty tasks when he knew he needed to find Scar.

Alphonse tilted his head slightly to the side, and said, "But I don't get it… Why call _me_ here too?"

Mustang paused. "…Alphonse, Full Metal…" He nodded to each of them. "We already have suspects on who the culprit may be…but until we can be sure about which one of them is the _real_ culprit, we need to keep them all busy. This way, we can avoid false accusations, _and_ we can occupy the suspects so that they're too _busy_ to break into the library for a while. Understand?"

Edward's eyes began to droop, growing tired of the dreary conversation. He yawned. "…right. Can we wrap this up?"

"Brother! We can at _least_ listen to what our task is!"

He shrugged one shoulder. "So, basically," he said to Mustang, "you want us to do something to keep one of the suspects busy for a while?"

"Precisely. So, you may accept the mission, or you may decline." Then, he smirked. "However. If you do accept the mission…I _may_ decide to relay some information on Scar to you."

"_What?!_" The blonde alchemist's eyes snapped open. "_We accept!_"

But Alphonse didn't seem so sure. "Uh…Brother? I don't…"

"Quiet, Al, this is important!"

He was silent.

"Good then," Roy nodded.

"So, who's the person we're supposed to keep busy?" Edward asked, his eyes shining. "And _how_ are we supposed to keep 'em busy?"

"Weeelll…" The Flame Alchemist hesitated, exchanging uncertain glances with Riza Hawkeye beside him, who had, for the most part, kept quiet.

"Yeeesss…?"

"Er—"

"Spit it out!" Ed shouted impatiently, thinking he could be getting valuable information about Scar's whereabouts instead of having to continue with this conversation. Alphonse still seemed a bit tentative.

Roy cleared his throat. "Right. Your mission is to go…" He cleared his throat again, and then said, in such a rapid manner that all the words sounded jumbled up as one:

"…onadatewithSheskathelibrarianandmakeherfallhopelesslyinlovewithyou."

The Elric brothers stared at him, sweat-dropping. "Eh…Come again?"

"I said… Go on a romantic date with Sheska, leaving her so lovesick by the end of the date that she obsesses over you and stalks you daily and therefore no longer has time to break into our library."

Edward's jaw dropped _through_ the floor.

"…WHAAAAT?"

"I believe you're familiar with her?" The Colonel squinted and peered down at one of the papers on his desk. "Let's see here… Her turn-ons: _'handsome, intelligent, literate, kind men who know just the right thing to say.' _…meaning, you will have to date her incognito, and you will have to be all of those things."

Alphonse shrugged, but Edward still seemed unable to come to terms with his new task, as was plainly shown when he shouted, "You want to me date WHO?!"

"It's not… _that_ bad, Brother!" Al exclaimed reasonably. "We both already _fit_ the description of 'handsome, intelligent, literate, kind men'! Right?"

Riza Hawkeye coughed loudly at this statement.

"Oh, and about that…" Roy continued. He consulted the paper on his desk by peering downward again. " 'Her turn_offs:_ …………..._shrimps_.' "

This took a moment to register. Then—

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, DAMMIT?" Edward Elric, sweat-dropping like mad, stood up and flipped over his chair while a vein popped out of forehead. "_Did you just call me a shrimpy-ass version of a horny alchemy-using BUG who's so small that you still can't even see him with five microscopes and an EYEGLASS—?!_"

"_No one said any_ _of that!_" Hawkeye cried.

Ed was heaving in and out madly.

"Edward!" Hawkeye shouted.

Ed was now foaming at the mouth, with little bits of foam dripping down his chin and onto the Flame Alchemist's new rug.

"_Edward_!" he boomed.

Ed's face was _now_ glowing a bright red color, indicating quite bluntly that he was going to detonate in five—four—three—two—

_"BROTHER!"_

He stopped.

"Alright…caaallm down…that's it…" Alphonse continued to calm his brother until the Full Metal Alchemist was normal again. Or, at least, as normal as he could get, as this point.

"Uh…"

Both Riza Hawkeye and Roy Mustang performed the infamous anime sweat-drop.

After a moment, however, both of the sweat drops magically faded away, as they normally do. Roy cleared his throat, apparently deciding it was best for him to move on while he still could. "Anyway… That's why we need _you_, Alphonse: as a suit of armor, you're tall enough. We were thinking maybe you could disguise yourself, and Edward could get inside your armor and do all the talking," Mustang continued awkwardly.

"Why can't _I_ do the talking?" the younger Elric brother responded skeptically. Then, he folded his arms crossly, already anticipating the answer. "It's because you don't think I'm _good_ with girls, _do_ you?" he queried, watching the both of them in a highly wary and cynical manner.

"Why, of course not!" they both responded with singsong voices, in an extraordinarily innocent manner than fooled no one.

"…Fine then." Edward, feeling as virtuous as ever, looked up confidently, revealing a broad grin and a highly determined look in his eye. "Let's _do_ this, Al."

Alphonse nodded. "Right, brother."

And with that, they both trotted off heroically, leaving the other two Military Dogs to watch their dust—or so Edward preferred to think of it. And, after they had both exited the office of Roy Mustang, there was a pause of nothing but utter silence for a while.

Then, Roy and Riza slowly side-glanced each other, exchanging unfathomable looks.

Immediately the two broke into hysterical laughter, doubling up on the floor and banging their fists on it uncontrollably, expressing their excessive amusement on the matter at hand.

* * *

_Let's get this over with… _Inside a metal suit of armor known as Alphonse was the State Alchemist with two limbs of auto-mail, carefully staying as far away as he could from his brother's blood seal—lest he accidentally wipe it off and cause Alphonse's soul to be suddenly detached from the armor. _Damn it, where _is_ that woman, anyway?!_ he crossly added, making a mental note to never again attempt to date a girl who could easily memorize the words of millions of books at once just by reading them.

"You know, you'd think I'd be used to this by now…" Alphonse murmured aloud, unnecessarily scratching the back of his steel helmet. "…but you being inside of me like this still feels a bit weird, Brother…"

Two women passing by who had apparently overheard him say the phrase "you being inside of me", shrieked and fled in the opposite direction, shouting something about "…so disgusting!!"

Ignoring this, Ed harrumphed. "Yeah, well… all I know is that if Sheska doesn't show up soon…I'm going to fall asleep. Right—in—here. And I _won't_ be waking up, either."

Alphonse sighed. "Do you think this disguise will even work? She might still recognize your voice, or—I mean, she's got a pretty good memory, and she _has_ met us before… And what if she doesn't show up—? How can we even trust those _sources_ of yours? I mean, how do we know she _really_ comes here every Thursday around this time?"

"Dammit, Al, stop asking so many questions; she just walked in!" the State Alchemist cried, continuing to converse no longer, but instead taking the opportunity to control his brother's armor and amble up to the table at which Sheska had just sat.

->->-

Outside, a young blonde mechanic peered into the restaurant dreamily. "What a lovely place…" Winry said quietly, smiling. "I certainly wish I had the money to—" She froze. "Hold on…I _know_ that shape…"

"Is that—ALPHONSE?!" she shouted, gaping at the towering figure inside the restaurant that stood out from everyone else. "Why is he disguised as a…tall, bulky man with—? And…" She peered even closer, utilizing her sharp eye to see into one of the holes in Al's armor. "…why is _Ed_ inside his armor?! _And is that SHESKA he's talking to in there?!"_

The girl smacked her forehead.

"Oh god," Winry muttered to herself. "_Something like this can only mean trouble_…"

_->->-_

The restaurant was rather fancy: Waiters dressed in elegant suits were marching about, balancing large trays of various foods on one hand, and holding their other white-gloved hand behind their back; the smell of many different foods were intermixing with one another, making one alluring aroma; the walls were painted with a powdered blue color, with narrow white stripes extending vertically in certain spots. Yet, Sheska the Librarian was sitting alone at her table, speaking to no one and keeping to herself. And, not to anyone's particular surprise, this was mainly because she was busy reading a book so intensely that her nose was practically touching the pages.

_Also_ to no one's surprise, she had a soaring stack of books sitting beside her, as if she was not interested in dating a human, but, instead, she much preferred to date published documents.

"_Well? What are you waiting for?_" Alphonse muttered quietly, speaking to his older brother. "_Hop to it!_"

Sheska looked up from her book and blinked a couple of times. "Um... may I help you?" she asked politely, not recognizing Ed in his current disguise, and nervously shifting her glance back and forth from him to her stack of books, as if thinking he was about to steal them and run off maniacally.

"Oh, I just—" The Alchemist abruptly stopped himself, quickly adopting a far deeper, more masculine voice to fool her with. "I mean—"

He cleared his throat, now speaking in such a low voice that he could easily be mistaken for a bass guitar. "I just noticed your… sensually… gorgeous …er, _shape and beauty_, and wanted to know if I could have the honor of—er—dining with you tonight…madam."

Sheska narrowed her eyes. "No male would ever say something like that to me!" She gasped. "So that means you ARE trying to steal by books, you little—!"

"Nonono!" Ed quickly corrected. "It's just…I was stunned by your beauty, and would be graced if you would allow me to sit with you, Sheska—I mean….wonderful-stranger-who-I've-never-met—"

She blinked.

"…oh. Um…sure. Have a seat." She gestured to the seal across from her and indifferently returned to reading her book.

"_What should I say now?_" Ed muttered inaudibly.

"_How should I know?! I'm 'bad with girls,' remember?_" Alphonse snapped, equally as inaudibly. "_You should figure it out!_"

Thinking fast, the young man quickly read the author of the book Sheska was reading, and said, "Ah, Lynel Grindum, my favorite!"

She slammed the book closed. "Excuse me, but I'm _trying_ to— Wait. Did you say…you've read the works of Grindum before?" When he nodded, her eyes brightened. "Oh my god! It's been forever since I've met a fellow Grindum fan!" She gasped. "Have you written any _fanfictions_ on him?"

"Uh, yeah!" he exclaimed, beaming, although he had actually never heard of the word before. "Plenty! I've read _all_ of his works, too… I just find him to be so…"

"_Heartrending!_" Alphonse whispered.

"I find him to be so heartrending!" Ed finished. _Damn it, Al, if she doesn't buy this…!_

"REALLY?! So do I!" Sheska cried, her eyes welling up with tears of joy. "And I also love the works of Sheldon Marie, Johnson Effington, Larso J. Atkins, Biffle Bobby Bob, Anasazi Darkmoon, Shadray, Auron's Fan, and Songwind!"

Edward nodded, although he had also never heard of any of those people—_especially _the last four. _It's working! _he cried internally, knowing that at this pace, things would be going great. Still, it was slowly becoming warmer and warmer inside the armor of Alphonse, and he was beginning to grow a bit uncomfortable.

"_Good, Brother! We're well on our way!" _Alphonse commented inaudibly. Then, he added, "_Just don't mess it up…_"

"Shut up, Al, I won't!" the other Elric retorted out loud.

"Hm?" Sheska raised her eyebrows at this sudden outburst. "You say something?" But before he could quickly deny it, the bookworm shrugged and moved to Edward's side of the table, cuddling next to him. She blushed noticeably as he unwillingly wrapping his arm around her. His face was now beginning to sweat in the heat inside the armor.

_I need to get out of here soon… _And he couldn't help but add mentally, _And Sheska must be really desperate for a man if she's _already_— _But the State Alchemist cut himself off, as the librarian beside him suddenly jolted upright. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"Um… no, it's just..." She shuddered. "Your arm…it's _freezing_ cold…"

"Oh… _eheh_… That's nothing, I'm just a bit—"

She furrowed her brow. "And, furthermore…" She balled her hand into a fist and rapped firmly on Alphonse's armor, which made an echoing noise when she knocked on it. "Your skin is a bit… _hard_."

"Oh, er, that's just because—uh—" But he was now concentrating on the rising heat level so hard that he did have the time to think of an excuse; he could hear the sound of his sweat dripping to the bottom of the armor suit.

"And—what _is_ that _dripping_ noise?!"

Sheska narrowed her eyes so much they looked like one-dimensional lines. "What ARE you?!" she shouted.

In a very nonSheska-like manner, she violently ripped the helmet from the armor which Edward was now attempting to wiggle out of to obtain some fresh air, and screamed like she had just seen a cow with an udder larger than a mountainside.

"Uh…. So, how about that weather, Sheska?" he managed to reply sheepishly.

"_I haven't told you my name yet!_ What _are_—?" She froze, her eyes slowly widening dramatically. "Wait a minute… You're TWO PEOPLE!" she cried, noticing that even though half of Ed's body was halfway out of the armor, the suit of armor was still moving by itself. "There's only one explanation for this…"

"Huh?" he replied simply, as the heat caused sweat to shoot out of his skin like water coming out of a hose. "What explanation?"

"You're…!"

"…huh?" he queried nervously, afraid she had realized his true identity.

"…an_ ALIEN!_"

There was a long silence.

"…from _URANUS!_"

Now the entire _restaurant_ was silent, for she had not pronounced 'Uranus' as "Ur-uh-niss", but instead as "Your-AY-nus."

The Full-Metal Alchemist sighed, giving up. "No, Sheska, it's actually me—" he began to explain, while wriggling out of the open hole at the top of the armor suit.

"Oh my god…" she held a hand to her wide-open mouth, staring as Ed slowly slid out from the gaping hole in the armor. "The alien's giving _birth!_"

At this, the entire restaurant began to scream in frantic terror, frightened of the scene of the "pregnant Uranian alien" birthing a human child. Women and children shrieked and ran in circles, while waiters and waitresses hurled the dishes of food they were carrying straight at the Elrics. Some people shouted maniacally and ran straight out the door, while the slightly less orderly people merely quickly gulped down the rest of their wine and Vodka (and whatever else was in those drinks) and ran straight through the closest wall, effectively blasting a human-shaped hole through it and causing the entire building to collapse.

Bits of wood fell into the kitchen in the back, and oil spilled all over the place, spreading a massive fire that ended up engulfing the entire restaurant and burning it down mercilessly. Sheska quickly saved her books from destruction and frantically leaped out of a closed window, shattering it into a million pieces as she fled.

_->->-_

Minutes later, two extraordinarily irritable alchemists knocked powerfully on the locked door that led into Roy Mustang's office. When no one bothered to open it for them, the shorter one exchanged pissed glances with the taller one, clapped his hands together, and the door immediately blasted off the hinges and exploded.

The Elric brothers stomped into the room, glaring at Mustang and Hawkeye, who were still positioned in the same exact spots as they were earlier. Mustang appeared to be working on his paperwork and files, whatever they were, and Riza was merely standing there.

"Ah, so how did the date go, Full-Metal?" Mustang asked, looking up from his work. "Did you succeed?" Then he noticed the physical condition the boys seemed to be in, and frowned. There were bits of burnt food all over them, and Edward had multiple bruises and plenty of food stuck in his hair.

"_Succeed?!_" the two young men repeated incredulously.

"That damn librarian almost blew us up!" Edward shouted truthfully.

"We couldv'e _died_!" Alphonse added, equally as truthfully. "But I think we did succeed to keeping Sheska occupied; she'll be far too busy worrying about whether aliens will be breaking into her home in the middle of the night and skinning her alive to sneak into the military's library now!"

" _Exactly_." The older of the Elric brothers, despite himself, smiled. "So, how about that info on Scar that you promised us?"

There was a long, drawn out silence in which Mustang and Hawkeye exchanged glances, and then broke out laughing hysterically again. "There _is_ no info on Scar!" Roy cried between laughs, slapping his knee in a rather hillbilly-like manner.

"Honestly, we only told you that to get you to go on a date with that librarian!" Hawkeye chortled merrily.

The Elrics stared at them.

"_EH?!_" Alphonse bawled, digging his head in his hands.

"You mean you TRICKED us for no REASON?" Edward boomed, another vein popping unpleasantly out of his forehead.

"Yep! And it worked," Roy exclaimed, apparently in an extremely good mood. "Except, there _was_ a reason: we were running out of things to keep us busy…sowe came up with _this _brilliant idea!"

"YOU BASTARDS!" Ed angrily picked up a nearby chair and flung it in their direction, which the both of them easily—and cheerfully—evaded.

"Yeah, it was quite entertaining, Full-Metal," Roy continued, beaming. "We even managed to sneak into the restaurant and take a few pictures of you and Sheska cuddling!" He brandished a fully developed and framed photo of Sheska blushing and Alphonse's metal body holding her close to him. "I'm sure the other State Alchemists will _love_ to hear about _this_ one." He grinned further.

"YOU LITTLE—!" Ed made to grab the photo, but the Colonel merely stood up and held it above his head, where Ed could _definitely_ not reach, even if he was standing on a five-foot ladder. The Full-Metal Alchemist, however, continued to jump up and down, attempting to reach it, but the Colonel just grinned and watched with amusement until he viciously gave up.

"Oh, but that's not the best part," he said, smirking. "We _also_ managed to go online on Riza's laptop and visit a website called 'FanFiction . Net", where we created an author account and named it…_'Shadray.'_ If you search for 'Shadray's' newest story, you'll see one entitled _Full-Shrimpy Alchemist_." He smirked more. "We wrote a full account of the horrible date we just convinced you to go on… In fact, Riza is typing up the ending to the fanfic _as we speak_. She's typing up every single word I'm saying to you, and she typing up your every single response. In fact, _someone's_ reading it right now, as we speak. We're expecting reviewers in the near future."

The Elrics gasped and stared at Riza Hawkeye, who had been hiding the laptop behind her back this whole time, and who had been typing up the fanfiction ever since they first walked into Roy's office, before they started the date with Sheska. "Hello!" she greeted, smiling innocently, and typing madly even as she spoke.

"Damn the _both_ of you!" Edward shouted. "AND GIVE US THAT PHOTO!" He jumped up again to snatch it from Roy, but the Flame Alchemist merely grinned and held it up higher. Alphonse just stared, dumbstruck.

"I don't think so, 'Full-Metal Alchemist," Roy grinned. "Or should I say—'Full Shrimpy Alchemist?'"

"WHAT?! YOU LITTLE—!"

As Riza's fingers continually hit various keys on the keyboard to type the ending of the story (_Note: at this exact moment, the latest phrase she had typed was "to type the ending of the story"_), Roy bolted out the door, holding the photo high up in the air.

"Oh, no you don't! _Get your ass back over here!_"

Ed scrambled out frantically, right behind him, following the 28-year-old all the way into the streets, where a mad game of "Chase the Flame Alchemist down the road like an idiot" ensued.

"GIVE ME THAT PHOTO!"

"_Not today, shrimp!" _

The pair of them bolted down the road, carelessly stampeding over small children, running over 18-wheelers, and knocking over old ladies that got in their way, while the Colonel laughed maniacally in the background, and Ed shouted various insults and threats at him.

_->->-_

As they scrambled across the city, they zoomed past a young woman sitting coolly on a bench, with a newspaper held calmly up to her face in such a manner that no one could see who she was.

When the two finished zooming by, the woman tranquilly lowered the newspaper she was reading, revealing the face of a young, blonde mechanic.

The girl, Winry, shook her head with much pity, watching the two State Alchemists go.

"I _knew_ something like that could only mean trouble," she sighed, and went calmly back to the newspaper.

* * *

Author's Note- Riza Hawkeye: -holds up laptop triumphantly- …My story! _It's_ _done!_ -uploads it- 


End file.
